isi tempat kosong.

when did it get so cold

2012-01-31T18:15:00.000-08:00

Anyone can love a thing because. That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.

-Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

So I am searching for a sense of purpose right now, because I don't know where it's gone. It's like I've forgotten how my soul used to function, and now I need to figure it out all over again and ~~get~~ KEEP my act together (how many times have I said that in this space! why do I fall apart so frequently!). Right now I might as well be a zombie and bite off your head and chew on your guts any minute now - or you know, just stay a pretty soulless thing.

On some other notes, my fingers are tightly crossed for several different things, and my emo adolescent self really likes the quote above!

job description

2012-01-25T02:52:00.000-08:00

"Our responsibility is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention." - Aaron Sorkin

things that don't change

2012-01-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

Here're some photos from my winter break, when I went out for lunch with my brothers and Ah Mah, because those are a big part of the moments I miss the most when I'm away from home.

tip of the iceberg

2012-01-18T12:38:00.000-08:00

"The world is much larger than you can imagine right now. Which means, you are much larger than you can imagine." -William Deresiewicz in What Are You Going to Do with That?

compass

2012-01-16T16:22:00.000-08:00

‎"Alice: Which road do I take?
Cheshire Cat: Where do you want to go?
Alice: I don't know.
Cheshire Cat: Then... it doesn't matter."

- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

no way but up

2012-01-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"

- Charlie M. Schulz

Long days and nights ahead to look forward to and dread, and pre-empt myself for the year. Again I need to bear in mind the danger of doing too many things, a disease I am all too familiar with and am terribly susceptible to. I need to prioritize and say no to some good things to focus on the more important ones that are immediately at hand. I need to learn from my mistakes so that I can make different ones to learn from instead.

But here I am, repeating myself. *facepalm*

So yes... this is definitely going to take more than one night to figure out and set straight.

At the same time, I want to dig deep and find (or perhaps start building would be the better term) my sense of self-confidence and courage. I want to stop second-guessing and underselling myself in everything I set out to do and leave this comfort zone. A lot of the time it comes down to my degree being decorative at best in an application for a position/internship I really want (CLEARLY DOING THE WRONG DEGREE AT THIS POINT. T_T) and to my lack of experience.

But there is only one way to build experience, so I'm going to muster my guts and strike out and see where that new path leads me to.

inheritance

2012-01-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

gotta love my ah mah's sense of humour. :)

head games

2011-12-28T01:37:00.000-08:00

Zielschmerz - n. the exhilarating dread of finally pursuing a lifelong dream, which requires you to put your true abilities out there to be tested on the open savannah, no longer protected inside the terrarium of hopes and delusions that you created in kindergarten and kept sealed as long as you could, only to break in case of emergency.

This is what I feel when I think about life beyond my undergraduate years. I am fighting with myself, having continuous inner battles with my hopes and my self-doubt.

Sometimes I think myself unworthy of the luxuries I have - I've never deserved this life, I've never had to work truly hard for it, this fortune I've been so blessed to be born into. And I find myself withdrawn and confused, and it strikes me ironic that had I not been so blessed, I wouldn't have the luxury of time to feel withdrawn and confused, or to ruminate on the thoughts that follow.

Other times, like now, my dreams scare me. Do I really want what I think I want? Am I prepared to face the challenges of the real world, so unlike what I face as a student in a classroom? Why am I so scared of moving forward towards these goals?

People's doubts (particularly my father's) about my dreams feed into my own conflicts. Times like these I wish I was my impulsive 14-year-old self, making snap decisions and dealing with whatever followed. Instead I am cautious, calculating, occasionally cold as I work out the pros and cons, the finer details, and try to project as much as possible so that I know what to expect.

What has become of the girl who once dreamed, who is now at the precipice of being able to realize these dreams?

This thought eats at me a great deal as of late. Maybe I am not as brave as I think myself to be.

But the question at the bottom line remains unchanged: is a life lived safely really worth living?

may the odds be ever in your favour

2011-12-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling of coming across an utterly amazing book that just blows your mind and keeps you hooked right to the very end? That you just couldn't put down? Of falling in love with a beautifully crafted and incredibly detailed story that captures and just won't let go of your imagination?

Oh, how rare and wonderful a sensation that is, and oh how glad am I to have been reacquainted with it through the Hunger Games trilogy.

In brief, the Hunger Games is a tool created after the rebellion by the victors of the war, Capitol, to maintain order and to emphasize the control it has over the districts. Yearly, a male and female teenager from each district is selected and pitted against other youths from other districts to fight to the death in the Hunger Games.

The whole series is so thrilling and heartbreaking and human, though I'll write more about my thoughts later after I've spent more time re-reading the books and soaking it all in (and so there aren't any big spoilers).

So now my inner fangirl has to patiently wait for the movie adaptation in 2012, while I re-read the books cover to cover.

:D CAN'T WAIT ZOMG! :D

clarity fair

2011-12-25T09:41:00.000-08:00

"Adolescent confusion was a prerequisite to knowing something absolutely when I was older."

- The Adults by Alison Espach

cucumber

2011-12-19T17:56:00.000-08:00

Been back in Kuching city for about a week. Life is good - I seem to be holding on to some jetlag, but otherwise I've been happily editing (though sometimes it drives me up the wall), squeezing in some not so great bioinorganic chemistry, and playing mahjong most nights. I've also been eating (what else is new), and am overall just one cool kitty. :)

Peace out, world.

who will.

2011-12-16T00:22:00.000-08:00

“First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me.”
- Martin Niemöller

more fat penguin wisdom

2011-12-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, it feels like we live in a time where trust holds no value - institutionally and systemically, we are pretty much labelled un-trustworthy. Of course these social systems serve a purpose, but too often we let this kind of overtly cautious thinking permeate into our everyday life and ultimately, we take it as an appropriate general description of things, or worse, a truth. But there comes a time when it isn’t one, when we should learn to put our faith in others (and sometimes, ourselves!) - you’d be surprised how far you can go, by just having a little bit of faith.

—-

Agree with the Fat Penguin? Or just find these doodles too adorable to handle, and want to get hold of one yourself? Then make the Fat Penguin’s day by liking his Facebook page! :)

Taken from afatpenguin.tumblr.com

a taste of

2011-12-09T18:08:00.001-08:00

penakut

2011-12-06T18:36:00.001-08:00

There're a million and one things I have to say, but I make so many excuses for myself. I make assumptions that may or may not be accurate, I convince myself that this isn't the right time or place. I let moment after moment pass me by, and each one grows heavier with the doubt I have in what I think I want to say. I spend hours and hours playing out different scenarios in my head, rewording the lines, readjusting the cuts and cues - I gradually work up a small sense of courage to try and say these things and will myself to just do it and see how things play out, but I chicken out so easily. Maybe it really isn't the right time or place, maybe it never will be. Maybe I am an indecisive coward, and my lack of guts to go through with my imagined, perfected script will make me wonder what would have happened if I let it happen.

"In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse." - T.S. Eliot

sliver of silver

2011-12-04T04:18:00.001-08:00

from Postsecret

International Businessmen

2011-12-01T07:17:00.001-08:00

just because I think we make such an amazing house. <3 :)

wish list

2011-11-22T15:37:00.001-08:00

Aside from more time over summer next year and my first choice for my Part 2 project, all I really REALLY want for Christmas (but before November ends) is a fully functioning right calf and shin. :(

*more complaining/whining/moaning about inability to run and skip and box*

where I belong

2011-11-19T02:49:00.001-08:00

My dad and I taking cat naps in the sun, 1991.

"But I'm not sentimental/ this skin and bones is a rental/ and no one makes it out alive"

- Switchfoot, Where I Belong

full circle

2011-11-16T04:16:00.001-08:00

Acceptance is the last stop on what always has been and always will be an arduous journey through the various things I am drawn deeply to and obsess over, and sometimes end up killing amidst the heady feeling of infatuation.

So much of life now reminds me of the uncertainty principle. When any system is probed too deeply in your persistent search for what at the time seems to be THE answer that you desire, it collapses and leaves you with only one definite result, while the other will elude you and remain forever a mystery, as a trade-off for what you were rushing towards - what you ignored will then become something you can never return to. The trick is to not know everything about one thing, but to know enough about enough things to get by.

As time ebbs and flows, it takes away with it all that I harbour unhealthily and slowly but surely helps me to let things go with the tide. It is then I find myself breathing more and more easily, and remembering and living again the beauty of a life forgotten and cast aside in my spells of fixation on a single subject matter. I am learning to relax and roll with whatever goes my way.

So I learn to not tie myself so tightly to things, and slowly find the numbness fading away as the vivid warmth of feeling rushes into my fingers where it was always meant to be - such an incredible sensation. :)

an electric atmosphere

2011-11-14T07:08:00.001-08:00

"I write about the four things I don't understand - God, girls, politics and death." - Jon Foreman

So I finally went to Cambridge to watch Switchfoot and they were SO. AMAZING. ON. SO. MANY. LEVELS. :D :D :D I can now die a happy fangirl.

waging war

2011-11-07T05:23:00.000-08:00

Image taken from Luxury, Elegance & Champagne

"Conquer yourself, and the world lies at your feet." - St. Augustine

repeat to self, 5th week blues ain't got nothing on me!

leaving the station

2011-11-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

These days I am tired but content, boxing five times a week, getting a good night's rest most of the week, working on my own projects, attending most of my lectures (it would have been all if not for the ill-fated slip of my bike chain on Magdalen bridge earlier this week) and finishing work on time. It doesn't leave me much time to sit down and pen down what I think, but I just have another 4 weeks to live through and 6 weeks to REALLY CONSOLIDATE EVERYTHING and to remind myself about the goals I have set and want to achieve without a sliver of doubt.

I'm happy to have stepped away from the chaotic mess that is student politics - I am so much more at ease and at peace with myself. My life is no longer being consumed by massive projects and events, and I am no longer the source-of-all-information or the constantly nagging mother figure trying to get everything to run according to my time scale or trying to hold the fort together with strength beyond what I alone possess. It has made up a very defining two years of my life - I have met some of the best friends and have been blessed with some of the most amazing mentors who taught me so much, and who became wonderful friends themselves. I have had the pleasure of being a mentor myself, and I can only hope that I was as good a mentor to others as my own were to myself.

I have also never been more angry or frustrated or stressed out. I have never known myself to react with so much rage towards others. I also have never felt more disappointed in both myself and in others - in how I let myself react and be affected by others, and in how I entrusted people and thought they could do better than what they produced in reality. Perhaps my standards are too high, perhaps I believed too much in some people. Perhaps I am not as strong as I think myself to be, and perhaps I should be more realistic with my expectations.

I think I should wrap things up better, but perhaps this is all that I want to say in this space. At any rate, this chapter of my life has come to a close, and I am incredibly glad for the lessons I can take away from it. I am excited with what I know awaits me, and eager still for the unknown challenges that wait in the wings.

like ooo

2011-10-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

you can't step into the same river twice

2011-10-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

“I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.” - Bill Bryson

I can think of so many places that this applies to in my case, but the strange and somewhat sad thing is that a lot of the time, we tend to be ignorant of the very country we call home. I've never been to some parts of Sarawak, or even to its border with Kalimantan. I've barely explored Malaysia, and yet so many - me included 0 are so eager to go on vacations abroad and dip their toes superficially into a supposedly more exotic life. How ironic.

I still make discoveries about my backyard every single day, and they excite me - I miss days when I would wander alone through the streets of KL, trying to figure out my way by instructions from Google Maps and relying on the kindness of strangers to make my way from Point A to B. I can't wait to go back to doing that at some point in the future.

repeatedly

2011-10-19T07:17:00.000-07:00

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in retrospection."
-Anais Nin

the other side

2011-10-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

Some photos from the weekend! More to come after I return to Cambridge to catch Switchfoot and tour colleges with Ju again. :)

Robinson College chapel

the Devil near the Master's house at Robinson

Tian Huey being Tian Huey :)

with TTH and Miao Shan, whom I haven't seen since first year!

Darwin College

Forbes Mellon Library at Clare College, aka FML

River Cam

bubbly fun!

Fitzwilliam Museum, the Ashmolean equivalent

the Corpus Clock, made by John Taylor. It recalibrates itself every 5 minutes, supposedly to represent the relativity of time. The creature at the top is the time-eater.

Julian trying to be a wise Chinese man like Confucius behind him

the gates of Clare bridge. Apparently walking through the middle gate means you'll get a third class.

Julian at Clare

Gonville and Caius

Clare College Chapel

conquering stacks of books at the University Library

then what we've got is gold

2011-10-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

I tried (and failed) to speed through my work so I could spend less time working while in Cambridge for the weekend. That didn't matter so much because I ended up working at any rate, because that seems to be how Julian and I spent a lot of time together in Oxford, which will probably become a trend in Cambridge as well. -.-" Today is his 23rd birthday, and here he is in a new Jesus College hoodie which fits him properly and a Nutella hazelnut cupcake - both from me. I sang an embarrassingly quick and quiet Happy Birthday song to him at the market square after this picture was taken, and since he didn't have a candle to blow out, he symbolically had the Ferrero Rocher on top of the cupcake instead. :)

Like what we always do in Oxford, Ju and I went around visiting colleges, though not at the mad speed we attempted in December last year in Oxford. We leisurely wandered through Robinson, Pembroke, King's, Corpus Christi, Gonville and Caius, Downing and Christ's, and of course, Clare, where Julian now is.

Travelling to Cambridge was very tiring though - 3.5 hours on a bus does not a pleasant journey make. It was definitely worth the trip though, to see Julian and to make sure he didn't work his way through a weekend when he's just into his second week at Cambridge and to give him no excuse to celebrate his birthday in a vaguely celebratory way.

To Julian,

So I've wished you happy birthday in loads of different ways by now, but happy birthday again anyway - you're only going to turn 23 once. :) For the past year and a bit, you've been (and still are) an amazing friend who puts up with my sometimes emotional irrational thought processes and who keeps me grounded and who gives me very sound advice, even if - actually, especially if - it's the one thing I don't want to hear at that point in time but in retrospect, is very useful, albeit a bit too rationally delivered for me to take in all the time. It's also always fun to drag you along to visit whatever it is I feel like visiting, and experiencing Oxford and all its quirky traditions with you (and you know, giving you some semblance of a social life :P)

Thank you so much for making me work harder than I would (which clearly is not very hard at all) because clearly I need all the positive influence I can get, especially in my third year. Thank you a bit less for laughing at me being clumsy and saying stupid things, and also for taking advantage of my gullibility and tricking me time and time again just because I believe in so much of what you say so much of the time. I obviously have too much faith in you. -.-"

Oxford isn't the same without someone telling me how much work they have to do and inadvertently guilt-tripping me into doing some work myself, without someone to sit in a college with while munching on a sandwich in between lectures, labs and life at Oxford, without someone to spend my Sundays with in church, libraries and Chinese takeaway.

Basically, it isn't the same without you. (end emo post)

HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY!

Much much love,
Melissa

_

ad infinitum

2011-10-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around.
No, it won't all go the way it should,
But I know the heart of life is good."

- John Mayer, Heart of Life

second star to the right

2011-10-09T03:06:00.000-07:00

(as taken from thingsweforget.blogspot.com)

This term I will be busy with focusing on myself and building myself, as opposed to juggling more than I can handle simply because I can't stand to not have anyone handling the jobs in question that I know need to be done. I've set my ONE goal for this term/year and will be channelling all my efforts into it - to make sure I get a spot in the IARU summer program in 2012. This will consist of working my ass off academically to get a decent recommendation, amongst other things, which is something I desperately need to do and keep doing this year in order to get through - this is THE year that counts in my degree, and I need to keep reminding myself of that. While I have something to do to tie in with something to hope for, I also have something to love this term, and that will hopefully be enough to keep my momentum going throughout Michaelmas and on till the end.

Bring on Week 1.

what makes your rising sun so new

2011-10-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

"I'm living again, awake and alive/I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies" - Switchfoot, Learning to Breathe

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THEM IN CAMBRIDGE IN NOVEMBER! <3 <3 <3

October challenge

2011-10-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

This October, I've decided to take up the GOOD 30-Day Challenge for October. This month's theme is "Get Healthy". The GOOD team sends daily emails with a new challenge in line with getting healthy. I'll be tracking my progress through blogging, so stay tuned!

Day 1 - Substitute tea for coffee. I already drink tea and very little coffee, so not much of a challenge to begin with.

Day 2 - Try an alternative workout. I already box regularly, but since Freshers Fair is around the corner, I'll pick up something new there. :) We shall wait and see!

Day 3- Log your day. Work in progress!

restart on resolve

2011-10-02T03:40:00.000-07:00

Hello 3rd year. I know you won't be kind, but I know I have to buck up and slip smoothly back into the gears and remember the motions. I have to be on top of things. I will mope and complain but I will do something about it. I have to just do things and push on and stick to hopes, ambitions and plans. I cannot let the system and my own weaknesses break me - I am made of better things.

And I will have to keep reminding myself of that.

with my grandmother, one of the most inspirational people in my life.

not a fighter

2011-09-30T06:36:00.000-07:00

It's the first week that I've gotten back into boxing, & boy, do I miss it. The precision, the practice, the pain - & most of all, the pleasure of getting a jab/hook/uppercut in exactly right & the satisfying feeling alongside the swift sound of leather smacking leather.

I've been told that the best boxers are good-looking, because they don't ever get hit. Their head is always in the game. They're always on their feet, thinking & predicting, parrying & ducking, jabbing & moving - never staying still, because staying still means giving the opposition a chance to swing one at you & knock you out of the ring. It isn't pure rage channelled into your fists - it's controlled & tactical, intelligent & patient.

After all, it's you who needs to outlast everyone else.

"Fighting, to me, seems barbaric. I don't really like it. I enjoy out-thinking another man and out-maneuvering him, but I still don't like to fight." - Sugar Ray Robinson

unspoken

2011-09-25T03:22:00.000-07:00

darkness inside

2011-09-24T03:20:00.001-07:00

"...because he couldn't understand what was attacking him from within."

- Charles Bukowski, A Smile to Remember

My inner demons have been causing quite a lot of havoc for the past few months, whispering what I want to hear, crafting elaborate fantasies and tugging at the corners of my mind, trying to pull me out of reality and in to an imaginary haven. Fighting them and giving in have both been equally fruitless endeavours - they are part of who I am, and cannot be placated by mindless retaliation or compliance.

I didn't get it during those past few months - I thought these were things I could override into oblivion somehow. But really, I should have been seeking to make sense of the situation and understand what exactly my subconscious mind was trying to tell me in a language it clearly isn't very used to. Slowly I am picking up on these subtleties and striving to understand them. Slowly I am putting together the pieces and making peace with myself.

Hello Kuching,

2011-09-21T04:11:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew you better, because I know I really should. I suppose people take their hometowns for granted the same way we take all things familiar for granted, and don't realize how fortunate a hand we've been dealt until we leave for pastures we imagine to be greener, but aren't necessarily so. This December will probably be the last winter break I spend in Kuching.I hope to rekindle my relationship with this town and drag my dad along with me on many an excursion to the many beautiful jungles Borneo is home to. I hope to eat loads of good food and have more productive days than what I spent my summer days in Kuching doing (ie: effectively nothing). I hope to spend more time in the town that's grown up while watching me grow up and do stupid things and go to too many ballet classes. I hope to make use of the time that I have now before it becomes fleeting and elusive, which may be all too soon.

Till I see you next, much love from Oxford. x

serenity

2011-09-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

Today is quiet and peaceful, and I have the house to myself. I've finally unpacked (though I'll be going to London tomorrow to pick up a couple more things) and have time to breathe and just chill before I start working on some Chemistry. It is so lovely to be in Oxford and not feel stressed out over deadlines and tutorials and lectures, though I know this is a temporary arrangement. Sunshine and rain have been playing on the scene all of today, such is the bizarre English weather that I still am not accustomed to.

At any rate, I love my house and housemates - my room is on the small side but we share a nice communal area where we all can eat dinner at a proper table instead of standing around the kitchen. Tom's set up his Wii and we have a garage and an actual garden space that we can use at some point and Julia lives just next door to me and the bathroom is thankfully not carpeted. I found a meadow nearby called Angels and Greyhound where there is a little playground, and there is also a little mosque down the street. The Asian supermarket is just round the corner too - can't live without some rice yo.

I think this year will be amazing. Don't you? :)

GMT

2011-09-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

Hello from Oxford, where I am in the process of getting over jetlag and moving into my new house. The bus ride over from London felt rather pensive - I can't believe I'm in my 3rd year, and more than halfway through the course, and that I have collections (FML) at the start of this Michaelmas. I feel sad that people like Julian and Ahnaf aren't around any more, I will miss their company very much. At the same time, I feel glad to be living with such wonderful people this year - I think we'll really make this house into a home. :)

Diving 101

2011-09-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

The diving course that my family and I, along with JJ and Jasryn, went on was organized by Borneo Divers. They have frequent promotions at travel fairs - my mum picked up a package for RM870 per person (reduced from the original RM1200 per person) at a Cuti-cuti Malaysia fair in Kuching. Since they operate in Sabah, they also offer dives elsewhere in Sabah - and as an added bonus of getting our first diving license from them, we get to go at discounted rates! :) Mum's currently very keen on Pulau Sipadan, though we'll have to wait and see how next year's plans pan out.

The course lasted 4 days, and started off with the boring bit - the classroom session. We got a crash course on diving and all the skills we'd need (and more) over the next few days, and also had to take quizzes and an eventual MCQ exam on the last day in order to get our licenses.

Diving is the most surreal feeling - initially I felt very clumsy and lonely (because I couldn't stay midway in the water, I kept floating or sinking and cut my palm on a prickly piece of coral. T_T underwater, the only sounds you really hear are of yourself breathing very VERY loudly).

Then as you get used to things like equalizing and maintaining buoyancy, you get used to this wonderful sensation of weightlessness that let's you levitate and sink according to your will. You get to see all kinds of wickedly cool things up close, like coral and sting rays and millions and millions of fishies. You get to live most of your Little Mermaid dream! Too bad if you really were dying to sing "Part of Your World" underwater though - Disney's not good at bringing reality to the silver screen.

Diving regulator (which I kept referring to as an inhaler -.-)

classroom etiquette

We spent the remaining 3 days going to Sutera Harbour every morning to catch the boat to Pulau Mamutik, which was about 15 minutes off the coast of KK. Below is a picture of the very cosy dive station that Borneo Divers had on Mamutik.

Gear hung out for drying

A very tired-looking Jasryn, no thanks to the massively heavy equipment we need to lug around on land so we can be graceful underwater. The air tank weights 18kg, and we each had a weight belt of about 4 kg each to strap around our waists. Since this is the updated streamlined version, I can hardly imagine how heavy the heavy-footer copper diving suits of the past were. =/

gear all set and ready

dad being super kiasu studying for the exam at every possible break - must be how he made it through med school ;)

CJ, our Dusun diving instructor who patiently made sure we didn't drown while teaching us basic diving skills

Michael was my diving buddy, that boy is a natural underwater! :) Today is also his 14th birthday, so many happy returns of the day to my not-so-baby brother.

Group shot.

shamelessly camwhoring with my scuba cert

solace in solitude

2011-09-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

"But I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person." - Olivia Wilde

wahey, KK!

2011-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

Back in Kuching for the week before heading back to the UK to face my penultimate year at Oxford - such an unnerving feeling!

But first, some pictures from the land under the wind to which I disappeared to for the past week. On the bright side, I am now a PADI licensed open water diver (meaning I can dive up to 18m) and have a happy tan and am so stuffed with delicious sea food! On the dark side, sand flies couldn't get enough of me, and I have 454323131231 (or maybe.. 20) bites that occasionally itch. I hope none of them laid eggs into my skin because I've been told of it happening before and larvae burrowed into the layers under the skin. =/ eeewww. *touches wood*

Fingers crossed! But in the mean time, KK!

I found KK to be incredibly haphazard, but in a lazy sort of way - there are no jams or people rushing any where and everywhere (then again, I was there during Raya so loads of people were probably in their kampungs) and the roads were fairly quiet. Things are rather poorly planned - there're malls stuck back to back to each other and a massive structure called 1Borneo in the middle of nowhere that's apparently a year old but in a pretty dismal state already. The shoreline is very calming, and breathtakingly beautiful on good days.

a random grafittied structure somewhere along the roads of KK

some of the thousands of boats you'll find in Sabah

Sutera Harbour, where most tourists will board boats to Taman Tunku Abdul Rahman, which consists of 5 islands off the coast of KK. We were at Pulau Mamutik for the dive course.

the view of Pulau Gaya from mainland KK by night

the waterfront of KK is home to a massive Filipino market where you can buy loads and loads of food. Here we had ikan bakar and cuttlefish, which was so so so good! When you order other things from the stall, they go to other stalls to buy it to serve to you instead - such is the ecosystem there.

ikan bakar

super fat fresh prawns :D

fresh seaweed that tastes nothing like you'd expect it to since we always eat it preserved with something or other. this variety was kinda crunchy and bland tasting and of a rather interesting texture.

Dad and I visited Montfort Boys Home, since he makes a yearly donation to them but hasn't much of an idea of what they do. Here, they train about 150 boys, aged between 15 to 20 years, various vocational skills and give them lodging and food as well.

the view of Chapel on the Hill (which the Montford boys attend) from the back of the 4 wheel drive I was in. It was funny how my dad and I came out to visit the place without calling anyone beforehand and arrived at a deserted facility since it was Raya, but lucked out because some administrative staff were coming by to check on the home and they recognized my dad's name because he's a fairly regular donor (and also because the lady's been treated by my dad before - but given my dad's poor memory for patients he always makes a really lame joke saying "I remember eyes and not faces" since he's an eye specialist -.-)

more on the actual diving course soon ;)

down where it's wetter

2011-08-29T13:22:00.000-07:00

Off to Kota Kinabalu for the next few days to pick up a diving license and a tan! :) Will check back into this space in a week's time. Till then, have a blessed Eid!

cerita-cerita Jakarta part 4

2011-08-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

20 August 2011

"On Saturday, we left the house to look for the International Humanity Foundation (IHF) Jakarta branch, located in East Jakarta. As we made our way across the city, the surroundings changed rather drastically as we entered Jati Negara, the Malay kampung part of Jakarta. East Jakarta is visibly poorer compared to most parts of Jakarta that I've seen so far - I saw people hanging clothes to dry along trees by the road side, a lot more people dragging carts and very poorly maintained houses, with rusty barb wire on top of the fences and the paint on the walls peeling very badly. The area was also extremely dry, but according to Angga, floods also often happen here during the monsoon season.

I saw a monkey by the side of the road with a chain around its neck, trained to ride on a rocking horse. According to Fahma, these creatures are difficult to catch and train, and their trainers often collect money from children before allowing them to play with the monkey so as to make money.

monkey see, monkey do.

Angga, Fahma and I also talked about ayam cemani in the car, a completely black chicken that we had seen at Taman Mini Indonesia Indah. According to Angga, ayam cemani is frequently used in black magic - if killed with a bamboo knife (which is apparently very sharp), its blood can be used to curse someone (Angga said that the cursed would die in a week, or two at most). They then told me about Pak Tarno, an Indonesian magician who really wasn't very good but who was very comical. His catchphrase was "Bin salah bin, jadi apa? Prok prok prok (clap clap clap)" and he became famous more because of his comedic value as opposed to actual skill as a magician.

Along the road sides of Jati Negara, we saw several niche markets, each selling different wares. The first we saw sold shoes, another sold only carpets, yet another sold only toys. The market selling animals had all sorts of creatures, from the usual domesticated pets like rabbits and chickens to owls and ferrets and bats. There was also a barber by the roadside, and someone offering sewing services.

I noticed salesmen selling wares along an overhead bridge that had no roof (again, a sign of being poorer than other parts of Jakarta I had seen so far - all overhead bridges had roofing), Fahma told me that it wasn't legal to do this, and that these salesmen most likely paid the gangsters in the area to let them use the overhead bridge to sell their wares. Atop the buildings, I saw squatter homes (!!!) and clothes hung from the satelitte dishes on top of the buildings. Evidently illegal, these people must have also paid someone to allow them to put up their homes at the top of these buildings.

We then passed by Cipinang Prison, which was massive - it took up the whole block, and was divided into various sections (according to the level of the crime committed). According to Angga, a lot of people were in there, and his cousin had been put in prison before, with a 3 year sentence for use and sale of ganja.

Finally, we arrived at IHF Jakarta, known in Bahasa Indonesia as Yayasan Asah Asih Asuh. The centre was located in a housing area, and by the time we arrived at the centre, lessons were over (they usually run from 1pm to 8pm, but because of the fasting month, classes stopped at 4pm or 5pm so that the children could break fast). The centre was a 2 storey house, and although sparsely decorated, it was very well-maintained - I glimpsed some young Indonesians helping to clean the classrooms, and saw that the wall by the staircase was getting a fresh coat of paint.

I met Arnau there, who was from Barcelona (which I initially didn't realize, because I couldn't place his accent when we were speaking over the phone - I had found it a bit difficult understanding what he was trying to say in English) but spoke impeccable Bahasa Indonesia - he had previously worked at IHF in Medan for a year before moving to the centre in Jakarta. Both he and Shinta, a local girl, were directors of the IHF centre in Jakarta, but were not paid - their roles were purely voluntary.

Arnau spoke to me about the centre - about 400 children come in for classes on a daily basis (except for Sunday), though numbers decreased during the fasting month. IHF Jakarta conducts maths, English and computer classes, with about 30 children per class. Everything in the centre is donated, from the computers, to the paint on the walls. Local volunteers come in to teach the classes. Besides teaching, IHF also facilitates an education program through which money is donated to their best but poorest students to buy materials for their education - each student gets USD10 a month for this, and has to record his or her spending of the money in a book for IHF to check.

Some long term students who were orphans stayed at the centre, and also helped to conduct lessons and maintain the centre. There were currently 3 sponsored students living in the centre - I spoke to Ayu. Ayu was 17 years old, and had been coming to IHF for lessons after school for the past 5 years. Her mother had passed away, and her father was working as a farmer in a nearby kampung, with one of her sibilings. She and another one of her siblings both stayed in Jakarta. Besides being taught at the centre, she also conducts classes, usually in maths, and also helps to clean the centre (I saw her sweeping the floor of the maths classroom when I first entered the building). She told me that it was difficult to juggle both teaching at the centre and going to regular school in the mornings, but that she had benefitted greatly from the extra help she had gotten from IHF. She said it was difficult to teach the students here sometimes - they liked to play but not listen to her when she was trying to teach them. She also said that she had many ambitions, and that currently she wanted to be a successful businesswoman in the future.

After looking around the centre some more, we bid goodbye to the people there. On the way back, we found a transmission tower built in the middle of the road, which Fahma excitedly took a photo of - she said that she and Harriz had seen a photo of this circulated on the internet, and they both commented that this was the sort of thing you would only find in Jakarta.

Lo and behold, they were right."

seems to me that

2011-08-26T09:12:00.000-07:00

"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I've known."

- Chuck Palahniuk

cerita-cerita Jakarta part 3

2011-08-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

16 August 2011

"Angga, Fahma, Yogi and I went to visit Taman Mini Indonesia Indah. On the car ride there, I learned a couple of new things, such as:

a little red bajai

1. Red bajais use benzene as a fuel, while blue bajais use petrol.

2. Some cars illegally sport police signs so as to get away with breaking traffic rules.

3. It is common for people in Indonesia to transport blocks of ice over short distances by bike. (a very strange sight to initially behold)

Yogi told me that Suharto was his favourite president, which I found to be quite surprising, given my impression of Suharto as a dictator who restricted several civil liberties (admittedly, I don't know that much about Suharto's era). Yogi felt that Indonesia was truly unique during Suharto's reign, and that it had developed a great deal economically during his time. Given what Yogi told me before about Glodok (which had been burned down during the riots of 1998) and the discrimination against Indonesian Chinese earlier during my internship, I wondered why he revered Suharto so greatly, given that it was under Suharto's rule that the rioting and burning happened, and given that Yogi is also Indonesian Chinese.

Yogi explained to me that it is customary for many school students to visit Taman Mini, and that it was started by Suharto's wife. During Suharto's time, Taman Mini was very well-maintained and several events were hosted there annually. Before arriving at Taman Mini, I was under the impression that it was merely a park, with literal miniature-sized villages of Indonesia. Instead, I arrived and discovered a life-sized cultural village made up of houses from all the provinces of Indonesia at the time, including Timor Leste. There were also gardens, aviaries, several museums (oil and gas, telecommunications, and transport), a mini children's theme park called Istana Boneka, and theatres.

Sulawesi island

The park is now more run-down, clearly past its glory days, no longer taken care of with the same attention it received when Suharto was in power. Taman Mini reflected on Suharto's personal taste - according to Yogi, it was he who wanted to have a chicken aviary as part of Taman Mini. Sadly, the chicken aviary had dried bird poo all over the place that hadn't been cleaned, and the ayam cemani there had been attacked by a virus and were molting unnaturally quickly, but they hadn't been removed and taken for treatment. I also noticed a monorail track had been laid out, but the monorail was not in use - apparently, it had been too expensive to maintain it, and so it was only ever used on special occasions and events in the park. We later came across two monorail carriages that were placed in an open area close to a hostel, with wild plants slowly growing over them in their disuse.

a super scary looking ayam cemani - they even have black bones!

The most recent addition to Taman Mini was a temple for Confucianism that was officiated in 2010, a tribute to recognizing Chinese culture and heritage in Indonesia after Suharto stepped down.

Rumah Sumatera Barat

I find it sad that Taman Mini isn't well-marketed - it has the potential to be very lucrative, given that all the attractions are already in place, and simply needs to be better maintained. One of the guides at one of the traditional houses we visited was fluent in English, but sadly she had no one to explain the history of Sumatera Barat to since there were no visitors."

17 August 2011

"Fahma and I went to Monas and Istana Negara to watch the flag-lowering ceremony in conjunction with Indonesia's Independence Day. Fahma had just bought her ticket to balik kampung, and told me that all the flights were fully booked. She was taking an executive train (which stops only at major cities) to Surabaya and then taking a bus to her home town. When we arribed at the National Monument, we walked around first, trying to locate Istana Negara. There were many police and soldiers on duty, most of whom were hanging around the park."

soldiers lepak-ing

"We arrived in time to see various soldiers and police in full uniform, marching and singing spiritedly. The crowd was dispersing, but many people entered Istana Negara (one entrance was guarded and we were denied entry, but there were no officers at the other entrance so Fahma and I entered there). There were many families dressed up in batik, and several school students. I talked to one of them (who was from Jawa Barat) and found out that in order to attend the ceremony as a school student, you had to pass the internal assessment that schools had annually to see if you could make the cut - it was a big honour for them to be selected to attend, and they wore a special uniform (with berets) to the event."

marching on

Closer to the Istana, I saw that everyone was being opportunistic and taking the fresh flowers that were used to decorate the front of the Istana, hence I shamelessly took some myself as well. (somewhat like the opportunistic people who broke into stores in London during the rioting, as Julian pointed out!)

what your taxes pay for

"Fahma and I then caught a bajai to go to Pasar Lontar, also known as Pasar Kambing - located in between Tanah Abang and Tamarin City. True to its name, we found some live goats and sheep for sale (they cost about 1.5 million rupiah), though business slows down in Ramadhan. The goat and sheep that are unsold are tied to the stalls overnight, and not brought back. The whole area smelled of goat. The locals selling their produce were very camera-shy, and only shouted at me to come back and let them pose for me when I started to move to leave.

local kids I played with <3

"There were several children around, some whom I gave the flowers to. I watched some who looked about 5 years of age pick up cigarettes from stalls to smoke. I watched other children sit on the rooftops of the stalls, playing with fireworks very dangerously. They were holding fireworks in their bare hands (!!!) (the sort that you're meant to light and run away from) and shooting fiery light at the electrical wires (!!!), yelling excitedly. Apparently fireworks are not illegal here like they are in Malaysia."

playing with fire

"There were several people at their stalls who were cutting up their fruit/vegetables and packing them in plastic - they do this to better quality produce to sell to supermarkets or to sell them to people to export them to make extra income. I noticed quite a lot of locals opt to cook using charcoal and small earthenware stoves - a lot cheaper than buying liquefied petroleum, and a lot easier to move around and to pack up.

baking serabi kuih, 1000 Rp per piece.

"Fahma and I then hailed a Kopaja and endured a very bumpy slow ride back to home to Blok M. Inside the Kopaja were small naked bulbs for light, and a man who collected money from passengers, signalling to them by rattling the coins in his hand. "

hello home, let me tell you my stories: cerita-cerita Jakarta Part 2

2011-08-24T10:12:00.000-07:00

So 5 weeks later, here I am again, almost in one piece. :) It is good to be back, more so now that I've gotten most of the work I wanted to do for summer out of the way, and I have few excuses left to not rest and relax for my remaining days in Malaysia.

More stories from Jakarta, since I have so many to tell and share.

15 August 2011

"Fahma talked to me today about what kampungs in Indonesia did during Indonesia's Independence Day, provided it didn't fall during the fasting month. All kampungs organized their own competitions, including climbing up oiled pinang trees to win prizes tied to the top of the tree, racing in sacks across paddy fields, and seeing who could stay on the longest on a log across a pond (the log would be beaten by pillows to make it unsteady)."

"We realized that we had gotten on the wrong bus when the areas the bus was passing through looked more rural, especially when we passed over train tracks - there were many squatter homes set up near the railway tracks. We retraced our steps by bus and eventually arrived at Jakarta Cathedral. I attended mass there, and was surprised to find the church so full of people for an ordinary service.

The leaflets they gave out were printed on glossy paper with coloured ink - clearly, this Catholic community was very generous with its donations to the church. My own church back home uses regular paper and black ink, and has been reducing the production of such leaflets in favour of projecting notices straight on to a screen in church."

Jakarta Cathedral

"There was no organized car park, and the church compound was jam-packed with cars and motorcycles. I found it strange that people had to pay in order to park in the church compound - never before have I seen any Catholic churches charge people a fee in order to park in their compound. Fahma waited in the garden nearby while I attended mass, and I later showed her the inside of the church.

We then crossed the road to go to Istiqlal Mosque. Fahma and I both gave our shoes to a man behind a counter that seemed to store at least 500 pairs of shoes. We then explored the mosque, which was very extensive - there was a library, several offices, and makeshift classrooms throughout the ground floor and the floor above it, and an additional 5 floors for praying."

a blurry shot of Istiqlal Mosque

"We also spoke to some female police officers who were visiting the mosque as well. We found out that they were from South Sulawesi, and that there were 4 schools throughout Indonesia for training female police officers, and 5 for their male counterparts. Female police officers could only be general police officers, while their male counterparts could go into more specific areas such as the naval police. The tests in order to gain a place at a police training academy are extremely rigorous. There is an IQ test, a physical test and a pyschometric test. The pyschometric test is apparently the most difficult of the 3 tests.

Fahma mentioned that her cousin's ambition of becoming a police officer was dashed because she had sat for the entrance exam 3 consecutive times but had always failed the psychometric test. A lot of Indonesians want to be police officers as the salary is good and a lot of prestige is associated with it, hence the competition for entry to a national police academy is extremely tough."

reading is always a virtue

"I found the mosque to be very homely compared to the Cathedral across the road. Since the mosque was so big, there was ample room for children to run around and play, for women to socialize and talk to each other, for men to catch some shuteye (the mosque is open 24 hours a day during Ramadhan).

ceiling of Istiqlal Mosque

"Fahma went on to tell me that Istiqlal meant 'independence' in Arabic, and Soekarno purposely asked a Christian Indonesian architect to design it, and purposely arranged to have Jakarta Cathedral built across the road from it - all meant to strengthen peaceful coexistence between the Muslim and Christian communities in Indonesia. When I asked her about what she thought of recent events in which churches were burned down and what that meant for what Soekarno had set out to do.

She said that compared to Suharto's time, this was much milder and were more isolated cases, compared to Indonesia on the whole. She told me that Jakarta Cathedral had been bombed on Christmas Day when during the transition between Suharto stepping down and his deputy assuming the role of president, in an attempt to tear Indonesia apart in the aftermath of Reformasi."

view from the bajai

We then took a bajai to Pasar Baru to have dinner. There, I bemusedly watched motorcyclists, cars, bicycles and pedestrians using the central path through Pasar Baru. Although most of the main stores were closed, the street was still alive with people coming out to sell their wares. Men used bamboo poles with a box on each end containing the items they used to cook the food they were selling, and cleverly hoisted the bamboo poles on their shoulder to lift and shift their whole workplace from one area to another."

making kerak telor for dinner at Pasar Baru

cerita-cerita Jakarta part 1

2011-08-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

I stumble upon all sorts of strange and wonderful stories and sites in this grand and mad city - something that's part of my internship is writing daily notes on what I observe and think as I mosey my way around Jakarta, and it's something that I've been quite grateful for. Even though initially it takes me forever to roll out of bed to journal my daily adventures/non-adventures/misadventures, and even though some daily notes (which were meant to be brief!) take me ages to write because there's just so much I saw/thought/smelled/imagined that brief notes somehow become 1000 word essays, I feel glad reading and reliving what I've written about Jakarta.

Here're some snippets (there will be more to come) and more accompanying photos of my three week stint here in Jakarta, as it slowly but surely draws to a close.

August 12th

"I started reading Naked Traveller at work, and found that a lot of words that I couldn't find in the Indonesian-English dictionary were portmanteau words - for example, dugem (dunia gemerlang = discos, clubs) and warnet (warung internet), evidence of a flourishing language."

current assignment

"Anto took me out for dinner at a local seafood stall, and we rode on the motorbike without helmets because the distance from the house to the stall was close and hence police were unlikely to catch us. I found out that he hadn't gone on to university because it was too expensive, and that he had been working since he was 17 - he was previously a construction worker, a fruit seller (by the roadside), and a tukang minyak, amongst other things. His wife was previously a house keeper, but now she stays at home with their 3-year-old son. He cooks better than she does, and taught her how to cook.

pillion rider view of the road

I was surprised that he had to pay to park his motorbike by the stall (I've never ridden a motorcycle before coming to Jakarta, but I always assumed you wouldn't have to pay at night as is the case in Malaysia when you park outdoors), but he remarked that it was normal, and at least it gave people jobs (collecting money from people who park there) which was the important thing at the end of the day."

Anto

August 13th

"Fahma told me that Yogi's father had been admitted to the hospital late last night, hence we didn't go to Bogor as originally planned, but went to Pasar Baru instead. Pasar Baru had people from all walks of life, from the limbless beggar to whom I gave my spare change to a rich Chinese Indonesian woman carrying her pet Pomeranian named Niku around because he was tired. Pasar Baru seemed quite busy, given that it was Puasa month. I found it quite strangeI found out that Upin and Ipin, a Malaysian-produced cartoon show for children, was very popular amongst Indonesian schoolchildren."

colourful Pasar Baru

"Fahma realized then that she had left her wallet at home, so we took the bus back to her home in Kuningan. I found the bus service to be quite reliable, and unlike the KTM in Malaysia, people didn't push and shove to fill the bus to the brim - there was one officer on duty in each bus whose job was to ensure passengers who wanted to get off the bus were allowed to do so first, and then when the bus was comfortably full, he would then prevent more passengers from boarding. Some bus terminals had turnstiles that didn't work, others had none at all. It was quite difficult to figure out exactly which stop would come next, because in most of the buses we took (except for the last one), there was no means of figuring out which stop was next until you actually arrived at it because it wasn't announced and there were no route maps on display.

We passed by Istiqlal Mosque, the largest mosque in South East Asia, while we were on the bus. Opposite the mosque was a Catholic church. Whether these 2 entities coexist harmoniously or not is something I will hopefully soon explore.

I walked with Fahma through the Kuningan housing area to her kos - the rented room she had. The housing area was quiet, though Fahma told me that things get a lot busier around 5 when people come back from work and start preparing to break fast. Her room was small and clean, and had no fan for air circulation, and there was no bed frame - just a mattress on the floor. The attached bathroom was also small, and its doorknob was rusty."

Kuningan

menjadi wisatawan

2011-08-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

Have a look at Jakarta through the lens of my trusty 4 year old camera, from the comfort of your air-conditioned room where you don't need to feel the awful heat of the drought (it hasn't rained in the 2-going-on-3 weeks that I've been here) and deal with the millions of blood sucking mofos that Jakarta is home to.

But really, this place is so fascinating, especially when you draw parallels and comparisons between here and home. So alike in some ways, so strangely different in others.

More pictures to come!

One of the many tacky arrangements they gave to the Singapore ambassador on Singapore's National Day.

Flowers I shamelessly pilfered (along with the rest of the crowd) from Istana Negara on Indonesia's National Day

Walking the side walks of Pasar Kambing

Nak naiki bajai tak?

Niku the pampered pomeranian

mmm Siomai

with Fahma, who brought me around most of Jakarta. Thank you for being an amazing guide! :)

Jakarta + Bogor + Depok + Tangerang + Bekasi = Jabodetabek

Indonesians have a knack for portmanteaus - this is the longest one I've discovered so far.

reading during Ramadhan

inside Masjid Istiqlal

Citizen movements start with a cicak

adorable kids I gave my stolen flowers to

kuih serabi, cooked over a little charcoal fire

who needs a wand when you have fireworks!

Yogi, my office lunch buddy :)

yang menyejukkan hatiku

2011-08-16T12:23:00.000-07:00

On an ojek ride di jalan yang machet banget, feeling the wind and hot exhaust from vehicles against my bare legs, I breathe in Jakarta, and finally grasp how much this tough city has to teach and tell me. As I struggle to communicate my words and figure out the most polite ways of interrupting and put together a choice array of English and Malay and bahasa gaul in an attempt to understand, and as I walk its uncertain streets under the sun, I struggle and strive to understand this city that is both so vibrantly rich and so heartbreakingly poor. I leave in a week, but really am not prepared to say goodbye just yet. Tapi haraplah, mungkin bila nanti kita akan bertemu lagi.

some pills

2011-08-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

I always seem to forget my own advice - oh well, here goes nothing! :)

long time, no see

2011-08-05T07:25:00.000-07:00

Hello from Jakarta! July marked my month of severe stress - I didn't eat or sleep properly till after MSLS was properly over, and have been (and will still be) spending some time reflecting on whether the conference was worth my effort, sleepless nights and unintentional fasting, and what I want to do now that the whole shindig is over. For the most part, it went well, and I hope that there will be fruit to reap after this conference, for everyone involved in one way or another.

Currently, I'm recovering from the conference that took over my life, and journalling accounts of my day trips in Jakarta for future reference. It's a bit lonely in the house I'm staying at since not a lot of people are home and because my Bahasa Melayu/Indon is super cacat so have to carry out super slow conversations with everyone and quite frequently interject and ask what words mean. But I don't mind - the slow pace of life is a very welcome breather from the crazy ass momentum my life was going at circa May-June-July, and a perfect match given it's currently Ramadhan and almost everything has mellowed out accordingly.

Tomorrow's the weekend so I get to sleep in - clearly I incurred a massive sleep deficit because in spite of getting 8 hours (or more) every night this week, I still feel pretty crap getting out of bed every day, so hurrah for extra hours! I leave you with a picture of yummy yummy bakso.

hello, hypocrite

2011-07-22T22:40:00.000-07:00

There are days we all feel slightly holier than thou. Sometimes I catch myself in that situation and I find myself cringing inside at my own superficial sense of self-superiority. There are days when I want to be selfish and go all out for self-preservation instead of making the difficult decisions and forging ahead to the end of the line to deliver something that works.

On the bright side, I finally got 8 hours of sleep today.

oh damn

2011-07-19T11:25:00.001-07:00

I must not self-combust before end of July. :(((

angry words without a conclusion

2011-07-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

I hate how we insist the world works sometimes, how you have to deal with all kinds of silly detail that get in the way of just producing an end product that everyone's proud to be a part of. Sometimes I wonder if it's really as difficult and complicated as we make it out to be - this whole deal about ego, hierarchy, bureaucracy, miles & miles of stupid protocol that make no sense, etc.

Here we are, creating more problems than necessary for ourselves all the damn time, with our insecurities and fears and obsessions and ulterior motives and goals of personal gain. Trapped in our own fucking bubbles and shells, too enraptured with our own reflections to see beyond the superficial walls that we choose to build to surround ourselves with, planning our own miniature castles that we declare ourselves king of.

I hate how I let myself get affected by these inconsequential things, but sometimes you just can't help it but feel angry about the lack of freedom & fairness in the systems man has created for himself - a lot like shooting yourself in the foot, I suppose. I'm sorry I can't put myself in your shoes. Maybe I just don't fucking belong, maybe I won't ever fit into this fragile framework built on sand. Maybe I have a massive ego too that's hiding like the submerged mass of an iceberg. Maybe I'm just no good at working within these limitations.

Maybe I need a life, but you sure as hell need to figure out yours once you're out of the comfort of the system that you think you're king of, because the rest of the world will eat you alive when you've let your guard down. I suppose one way or another, it's all the same to me. I don't give a fuck any more.

tripping in Kuching

2011-07-12T02:58:00.000-07:00

Coming home always means trips into town with Ah Mah and all her funny life anecdotes. She keeps trying to feed me for fear that I'll go hungry, complains about having to wear a bra, and tells me stories about how she liked to show me off as a baby and how when I was 2 or so, I was too short to climb the stairs so I sat my way up instead (until the teachers at Tadika noticed and decided that I should study in the classrooms on the ground floor to save my bum the trouble), how she only buys mats for sleeping on once a year when I'm back so I can follow her to India Street and remind her which store we bought it from the last time - this time round since I'm probably not coming home next summer, she bought two so that she wouldn't need to buy one next year.

I hope I'll be as cool a grandma one day.

pause &

2011-07-08T12:08:00.000-07:00

Week 9 was spent in the company of Julian and Ahnaf almost every single day - that week of fun seems so far away now even though it was really only last week when I last saw them and was running around colleges looking like Asian tourists and posing for pseudo-prospectus type photos.

I think it's been a subconscious thought for the most part but it's finally dawned upon me how little of a break I've planned for myself this summer - not sure when I'll ever find time to breathe and not think about what's coming up next, but it's the way I've become accustomed to leading my life I suppose.

Oh, summer and all the things I've signed up for. Please be kind to me.

I should have given you a reason to stay

2011-07-05T09:00:00.001-07:00

Picture taken at New College, encapsulating the fun I had in Week 9. Now I'm back in hot sunny rainy Malaysia and working non-stop as usual. Excuse me for my tau foo fa break mmmm.

to weather any storm

2011-06-26T16:56:00.001-07:00

"Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms."

-William J. Bennett

one down.

2011-06-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

..and another finalist all done with Oxford. :) Such happy times ahead (once I finally finish)!

T_T

2011-06-22T03:59:00.000-07:00

ohmaigawd exams start tomorrow.

EDIT: Lovely things from lovely people, in lieu of my looming exams. There're also some 330 calorie red velvet cupcakes that I didn't take photos of - too much decadence!

ninja stealth (and Asian honour) definitely necessary for success in exams.

food and stress ball and confetti to sprinkle on self when finally done.

Secret Sunday: Week 8 of Trinity.

2011-06-19T05:15:00.001-07:00

from Postsecret.

closer to the end

2011-06-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

"Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow."

- Swedish Proverb

Congratulations on finishing, my favourite bitchy wrinkly mochi ball! :) I will see you on the other side in a week.

beginnings

2011-06-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

I remember my first week at Oxford vaguely, except for Friday. I ditched my first bop to which I wore a cheongsam, trying to pull off being a dim sum girl. Instead of clubbing, I went out with some other first years and a Hertford biologist (whose name I think was Ben) for drinks at a Jamaican bar. I remember feeling nervous and scared, but something about Ben put me at ease - he had a big mass of brown frizzy curls and wore a massive poncho that he let me borrow because I wasn't used to the weather (not that that's changed really). He talked a lot and was a very funny guy with a friendly warm air about him (though that could also be attributed to the alcohol in his system at that point in time). I don't remember much about the evening, except for being very happy to find Maggi chilli sauce at the bar (not that I like it all that much, it just reminded me so much of home at the time) and Ben telling me not to worry about life here, and to just find my niche and everything else would fall into place.

I'm nearing the end of my second year - it's taken me long enough, but I genuinely think that I've finally found that niche I was looking for at Oxford. :) There is no real trick to it - just a matter of luck and trying every damn thing that comes your way, but also having the sense to go back to some of these things to give them time to grow on you. Slowly but surely, things will make more sense in this initially mad place.

all sorts

2011-06-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

Mi familia dropped by Oxford recently - we had lots of family fun and picnics and a not so wonderful experience with punting. They were stopping over before heading to Greece while I stayed behind to cram cram cram of my exams. Michael and Daddy finally met Lily the bulldog, teehee! :) What a funny pair she and Mike make. Now Dad and him are going back home, while mum stays around to take care of me the way she did last year. 10 days to go till Part 1A is over - rahhh make it count.

filler filler filler pretty picture.

2011-06-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

I wish I had something to share apart from the mountain of revision I need to conquer in just under 2 weeks and how I feel so tired all the time, but really I haven't been thinking all that much lately. Pandering to my superficial shallow side, I want to write this just so I have an excuse to put up this picture of Jasryn and I, coincidentally dressed to match and a lot taller than we usually are.

Okay now to tackle some statistical thermodynamics.

pushhh

2011-06-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

some Week 6 wisdom courtesy of my favourite fat flightless bird. Taken from here.

There is always a great distance between where we are and the finish line. In between, there will be many trials and tribulations - at some point, we inevitably fall and get hurt. Being able to balance everything life throws at you on your shoulders requires not only an extraordinary amount of skill, but also copious amounts of experience - both joyful and painful - from which we draw important lessons and develop the nerves of steel that greatness demands of us. There is no substitute for the right attitude, and the right attitude is key not just to live to fight another day, but to fight well, and to fight victoriously.

Perseverance: Never give up.

disguises, surprises

2011-06-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

"Someone I loved once gave mea box full of darkness.It took me years to understandthat this, too, was a gift."

- Mary Oliver

Everything I've been through as brought with it its own unique lessons. I have no reason to be ashamed of things in my past - it simply is a reflection of how imperfect & inadequate human beings are, and how much greater and bigger and far more complex everything is with respect to the insignificance that is I. We stumble into temptation, we have a memory that deserts us at moments when we need it the most, we make mistakes again&again&again. We're all inexperienced ignorant fools at some levels and in one way or another.

But I find it so difficult to embrace the things that make me me sometimes. Society doesn't like incomplete & unwhole. Society doesn't always forgive, and most certainly doesn't always forget. So I've learned to be embarrassed and ashamed about the things that I've been through that the society I belong to doesn't condone. I think this should change, and that it should start from me.

I think the reasons why we fuck up so much is because we're not true to ourselves or to others, and because it's really so tiring and artificial to always be pretending. I want to slowly expose my secrets and insecurities, whatever it is that I used to find myself ashamed about. I want to be more accepting of others and stop being so quick to judge. I want to have nothing to hide. Everything we have and are is a gift - the challenge is in us recognizing and accepting it so that others will find it easier to accept as well.

slow & steady

2011-05-31T17:06:00.000-07:00

Meet Tilly the tortoise from Jesus College.

It's not every day you get to hold a winner - even if that winner is a cute four-legged reptile that's beaten other equally slow four-legged reptiles to claim the title of fastest tortoise in the annual Corpus Christi Tortoise Fair.

the back of

2011-05-27T16:48:00.000-07:00

Here I clutch at straws, too many things wanting my attention.

These hands - they are my own.

These hands aren't impressively skilled but they have learned to hold on to what they take and what has been given to them. Sometimes they are clenched far too tightly, too possessively grasping the bodies in hand. These palms can be much stronger than they look - they can imprison and crush and cage. Damaging and ultimately destroying. Death grips.

Other times these hands are slack and lackadaisical, relaxed and complacent about what has come into their possession, that they forget and let go. Gradually sliding into the lull of routine, taking for granted that what is in hand will always be in hand, in spite of what history teaches us inductively time and time again. So grips loosen, and hands wander, itching to try something else, eager to hold on to something new. And gravity steals over, bringing all things unguarded to the core. Thus they are in free fall, before they collide and break.

I don't want to hold on to anything - I want my hands up in the air and free. But there is something about my being that cannot help but always want to be attached to something, someone, somewhere. I cannot help but care, no matter how many times I make mistakes, then leave behind unrecognisable remains to pick up and regret to pocket. It is the rare occasions, when my hands - human as they are - make something beautiful, something right, something perfect just the way it is. That is what keeps me going and keeps me caring.

These are my hands.

home is wherever I'm with you

2011-05-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Two more days till I get to see my very lovely family again, albeit very briefly. :) I tend to be too busy and occupy myself with too many things to have time to miss them sometimes. I am guilty, if guilty is the right word, of relishing the independence and freedom that comes with life at university. I seldom seem to tend to want to be home, except when I really want/need someone else to take care of me - especially so when life becomes too much to bear and when I just really want someone else to cook me a meal and do my laundry and drive me to school. But it can't just be that - I still tear up when we part ways and say goodbye as they leave and I stay, or vice versa. I still spend ages choosing cards to post back, and anxiously wait for cards in return. I never call home or vice versa, but once in a while, pre-arranged or otherwise, I have hearty long exchanges over Skype with my mum which end only when my dad insists he needs to check his email.

There is something special and intimate about family - how we're always able to meld comfortably back into each others' lives in spite of being apart for so long, and how no matter what stupid things we've done to each other, at the end of the day, there always has been and always will be acceptance. That is what love is about, above all other things that embodies it.

a bubbly fuzzy feeling

2011-05-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

"It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes I always know
that you make me smile, please stay for a while now
just take your time, where ever you go"

- Bubbly, Colbie Caillat

father-daughter

2011-05-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

This is what I always tell my daddy, because he has quite a stern serious face a lot of the time (I'm not the only one in the family like that heee). He really is a handsome man though I never tell him I think that because later his ego kembang.

He never says he misses me though I know he does. I should try to Skype my old man more often, although he doesn't always have so much to say to me. The more likely scenario is my mum speaking to me for an hour before he says goodbye because he wants to check his email, even though he's always the one emailing to say we should chat. -_-

don't gooo

2011-05-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

As of late, I've developed an acute aversion to loss. I have to replace every and any thing that I lose with twice the number of things (so Julia has pointed out). I'm not sure when I became so attached to the things I buy and own, but this seems to be materialism mutating into a very warped sort of possessiveness that I'm pretty sure I never used to have, one that I hope doesn't continue to morph into an ugly monster that will troll the virtual aisles of Amazon and eBay endlessly to look for replicas that remind me of what I used to have and can't let go of. (or you know, I hope I stop losing things - which seems to me to be the less likely scenario)

Oh mai gawd I'm talking about merchandise the way some mad ex goes on rebound after rebound after rebound because he/she can't stand the very idea of being single. WTF is wrong with me!

As I type this I am eagerly awaiting 2 almost identical pairs of earrings to arrive (to replace the one half of the pair of gold cloisonne wing earrings I lost to a mini hurricane on one mad windy night in Oxford).

T_T

Good grief.

because

2011-05-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

Simple things make me happy (and really I'm only posting this because this is one of the few candid pictures in which I look decent as opposed to deranged).

in case you forget

2011-05-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

"39. Take a look at the people you last spoke to (via text, MSN, phone, etc) before heading off to bed. These people are who you really care about. These people are important."

- 50 Things University Taught Me: First Year, Aelya Salman

May Day

2011-05-02T07:15:00.000-07:00

In between the termly nightmares in Oxford called collections, and right before the first day of term was May Day. I dragged myself out of bed at the obnoxiously early hour of 5.30am and trudged with the crowd to cross Magdalen bridge and met Julian on the other side and sleepily listened to the choir sing before heading to Jesus College for breakfast and leisurely catching snippets of May Day celebrations going on throughout Oxford.

Later we had a Thai buffet lunch with Ahnaf and were too stuffed to move - very good times indeed before heading into the haze of revision madness prior to the exams. :)

Magdalen tower, with the choir singing at the top

The Hurly Burly Whirly Early in the morning band livening up Broad Street

Champagne, strawberries and muffins for breakfast at Jesus College

Jesus College's first quad soaked in sunshine

St. John's choir (again at the top of the tower)

remnants of the Royal Wedding

mysterious leaves - Julian and I couldn't find its tree. I later found out from Julia that they aren't actually leaves, but seeds from the maple tree.

Morris dancing

waaa

2011-05-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

this is too cute for words!

undercover

2011-04-30T16:02:00.000-07:00

Over the past 2 days, I've had collections (also known as evil tests Oxford sets for its students before term starts because they're an ancient sort of evil) and have been practically living at Julia's place, mostly chilling in between revising and consuming her delicious home-cooked meals, and also seeking solace and support when I feel like dying and crying over collections. Adele's Make You Feel My Love has also been the soundtrack that I study and sleep to as of late thanks to her - such a beautiful sad peaceful song. I don't know what I'd do without her sometimes - everyone should have a Julia in their lives.

I'm looking forward to third year and living with her and Tom, and with finally having time to myself and not having to go down to London just for work. In the mean time, I have less than 8 weeks to my second year finals - don't expect to see much of me here (except for sporadic rants and many self-motivational messages) and keep me and my sanity in your prayers.

know that

2011-04-22T16:40:00.000-07:00

"Non frustra vixi - I have not lived in vain."

- Motto of St. Hilda's College

what I told myself

2011-04-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

The solid kitchen counter where I work, the snores of a sleeping bulldog comfortably nesting on the couch and occasional slivers of sunshine keep me company - I dig myself out of bed at midday and do my best to follow the schedule I set out for myself, such has been the pattern of my Easter break. A year ago I was coming back from Italy, without a passport and not in the best of shape. The year before that I was twiddling thumbs in college, doing the bare minimum to get an A and skidaddling a lot of my time into other projects and running around thinking that I was soul-searching but really being a rather lost creature wondering what in the world was I doing and what in the world was I supposed to do next. I never had any big dreams that I worked towards, it was small goals and baby steps the whole way through.

There really is no correlation to time and how much you grow as a person - there are some people I know who have changed so much that sometimes I struggle to find any resemblance between their present and past, and there are others who seem exactly the same. It's funny, looking back at myself fresh out of school and later when I finished college - I honestly thought I could take on the world, and that I knew all that I needed to know to get on to the next level. Such was the prevailing precociousness of my adolescence - but when you've just been through school and know nothing else, who are you to know any better?

I wrote an email a year ago to my future self and received it a little while back. Reading and reflecting on how much I've learned and how drastically I've changed within the short space of a year gives you a very different perspective on the effect time has. I wasn't as comfortable with myself in the past as I am today, and it took quite a while to get around the expectations I had for myself and to learn to open up but somehow or other, I've come from that to this - and I know for certain that this too will change, and I can't help but grow because there is limitless room for it and because the experiences I seek seem to always challenge me to step up my game and face the music.

I don't expect to be the same Melissa as I was then and then and then, though I think there are certain core principles to which I like to think I've remained true to. I've been jaded and cynical and believing and optimistic and that cycle seems to go on. A friend said I've grown up since we first met and that even though she still likes me, she misses the old me. But the old me is someone I can relate to and not someone I want to be at this stage in life, and those are things that really can't be helped.

A year from now, I will get an email from my current self - I wonder how much will have or have not changed between now and then.

game plan for Trinity

2011-04-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

As taken from a fat penguin - go there for more motivational messages and advice brought to you by a fat feathered friend! :) I highly recommend it - penguins FTW!

Anyway.

This is the plan for Trinity. This is the damn GOAL for Trinity.

To be fair, we all know that we are all really capable of so much more, if every once in awhile, we decided to - to quote a scene I really love from Sister Act 2 - wake up and pay attention. Remember the last time someone told you you weren’t putting your mind to the task? It could have been your mom or a teacher or a friend or your basketball coach - it was probably annoying because it poked at your ego, but it was probably right too. Too many times we let ourselves be misdirected by too many distractions. So today, Fat Penguin would like you to think about what was the last goal you set for yourself. Maybe it was to finish a report, or stick to your revision plan, or to finally get up some courage to ask that girl out on a bloody date. Whatever it was, Fat Penguin wants you to muster all your effort and get into that Great Ball of Concentration - because when you’re in it, you’ll soon be happily ticking off that checklist on your board that’ just been accumulating and growing over the past few weeks. So get to it, and FOCUS!

Rise above the noise. FOCUS.

inconsequential things aside

2011-04-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

- Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

meow

2011-04-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

I want a fat kitteh please.

trust that

2011-04-13T14:49:00.001-07:00

By believing, you breathe life into what you think to be true - rumours & religion, fact & fiction. You give it freedom to grow into whatever it chooses to be, as long as your breath and belief last. Trust is a double-edged sword, a powerful tool but with a weakness all too well-known. Wield it because you must, because it is key and catalyst to the inner dealings of this reality.

Here I tread lightly and carefully as I wait on the edges of patience and let passing time kiss my cheeks, telling me nothing but be prepared and to expect. Here I write because here I am being silly and rambling on about anything at all and nothing in particular the way I always do, stringing words together as if I know what I want to make out of it. But if you stopped to ask me what exactly I'm trying to make out of all this, I wouldn't have an answer for you - I'm just reeling and rolling with the ebb and flow of the tide. I've entrusted so much into this that sometimes I feel somewhat scared about the unknown that lies ahead because of how fluid and undefined the state of things are in the present. But I go on with my life at a mile a minute because there doesn't seem to be any other option at the moment but simply. to. trust. that everything will work out alright in the end, and that another chapter will begin, with or without elements of the here and now. and that life really just goes on anyway.

Here I empty and try to sort out thoughts because overthinking does this sort of damage to me - I come up with all kinds of emotional drab that just really needs an outlet. At the end of the day, this really is just random whimsy stuff I spout and need out of my system. I genuinely need to get out of the house for a bit because I've been working around the clock on nothing academic when really I know what needs to be done but I've gone and screwed up my sleep cycle (clearly I never learn) but at the very least I've started on something so that's -1 to inertia (but -1 to me for taking so long to get up and do something!) and I've also fallen into that trap hole that is spending an unreasonably long amount of time on the demon that is Facebook.

Oh bum. Trinity will be be at my doorstep before I know it and then Part 1A will be hounding me down and then it will be over all too soon.

of days in Denmark

2011-04-12T06:54:00.000-07:00

Socialist Denmark seems incredibly perfect from the outside looking in - clean, well-constructed roads to every little city/town/kampung, super fast Wi-Fi, free education (and other things besides). I really enjoyed my time in Hatting with the Vest-Barkholt family - Uncle Klaus, if you're reading this, HELLO FROM LONDON! :) I was taken care of very well by the hospitable Danes, and enjoyed the company of their cats as well.

Gizmo, the cat who would sleep with me at night

The Danes are very proud of their history - churches are preserved, as are boats that are a tribute to their sea-faring ancestry - and monarchy, who have made themselves very relevant to the people - the queen is an artist whose works are incorporated into a great deal of movies and productions (amongst other things) and the crown prince is an elite soldier. Danes also assume that you can speak their language regardless of what you look like - I often stared mutely as someone tried to communicate to me in their guttural tongue before giving up and asking bluntly, "English?" before the conversation could begin. A pleasant surprise was getting off the train at Horsens and being told "Selamat Jalan" by an elderly man who had earlier helped me negotiate my seat on the train because I hadn't realized that there was a reservation system I had to adhere to.

On another note - Denmark isn't the sort of place where you can just stay in one city. Their history is scattered all over the place, hence I went to Horsens, Ribe, Odense, and Copenhagen instead of just the capital.

But enough story-telling, and on to the pictures.

Danish beer

a champagne glass that serves as a memory of Hans Christian Anderson's ultimate rejection. The object of his affection was a talented 15 year old Swiss singer, who toasted to him being the one Dane she would call her brother. Hans kept the glass she used to make the toast.

I found it very hard to take a clear picture of this - this was Hans Christian Anderson's answers to the following questions.

Uncle Klaus who took me around Ribe

mmm lunch

St. George vs. the very small dragon

for all my crimes

Denmark is veryyyyyyy flat

pancakes :D

with a wooden statue of Hans Christian Anderson - we visited Odense on the anniversary of his birthday, and got free entry to the museum and his house!

paper cut outs made by Hans as he told stories - he would cut as he told the story, and present the cut out to his audience and end his story when he finished his cutting

Danes are big on bio-fuel - see shit bus

the famed little mermaid of Copenhagen

astronomy in the round tower - the king who built the tower was a lazy bumpkin who decided to make it flat and without stairs so that he could ride in a carriage to the top.

lovers' bench in the Round Tower

Danes do all sorts of things on bikes which I have never ever seen in Oxford - walk their dogs, carry umbrellas while carrying out conversations, the list goes on!

a stylish cyclist

who needs Starbucks when you've got coffee on wheels!

beautiful expensive china from Royal Copenhagen

Coffee - stuff Danes can't live without

two very obliging Danes

ish

2011-04-11T05:57:00.000-07:00

Hello tempat kosong, sorry for the lack of updates. I have a ton of photos and stories from Denmark to share but life as of late has been taken over by so many things that it's been quite difficult to find time to sit down and record what I've been up to and what I've been thinking about. Today is my first lazy day in after quite a while, and I'm looking forward to term beginning so I can see familiar faces in libraries as we slave away towards the common goal of finals. For now, I bask in bed and look at sunshine through my window and wonder when would be best to have a very belated breakfast.

anchored

2011-04-02T15:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt this rested and contented in a very long time - definitely the best decision I've made over Easter thus far. :) Tales of travels to follow once I get back from Copenhagen to the cosy home in Wimbledon.

I

2011-03-30T15:09:00.001-07:00

am all kinds of tired - but off to Copenhagen tomorrow! :)

EDIT: I also seem to find it incredibly difficult to leave all my work behind!

you don't say

2011-03-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

You'd think that studying in a place christened the City of Dreaming Spires would mean that you're entitled to loads of sleep and lovely dreams.

Oh irony.

nothing but the rain, no footsteps on the ground

2011-03-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

"I know how you feel," he finally says. "But this is something you have to work out on your own. Nobody can help you. That's what love's all about, Kafka. You're the one having those wonderful feelings, but you have to go it alone as you wander through the dark. Your mind and body have to bear it all. All by yourself."

- Oshima in Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami

I've recently finished reading the very surreal Kafka on the Shore with a lot of questions in mind, hence why I'll be re-reading it over the Easter break. Googling also indicated that the author intended for his work to be such a riddle, and that re-reading would reveal the answer to the riddles he'd woven into the novel, and then the reader would gradually understand the underlying messages in the book. Sounds a lot like studying, if you ask me. T_T

The book is full of amazing quotes that I want to share, but this particular one struck a tone that resonated with me. A state of one-sided love, or just not knowing whether that love is reciprocated, is such a lonely feeling. Love is all kinds of strange and wonderful and complex - to me, expressing it never results in a complete and true representation of what you really feel. There is always something lost in translation, because there is only so much actions and words can give life to.

Ironically, that is the only thing you can say that you're absolutely certain of - that you are in love with someone, something, somewhere. But whether those feelings are returned or not, and even then, whether they show any similarities at all - how would you ever truly know?

I think you never do - all you can do is trust. Trust in yourself and your feelings, and live with the torment and pleasure of that thing we call love.

Sushi Saturday

2011-03-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Post-examination celebration doesn't need too much detailing - basically Julian, Julia, Ahnaf and I made sushi and were extremely full of good food by the end of it all. Sushi is also surprisingly easy to make - domestic goddess skills +1.

Examination carnation carefully put aside.

Julia and the clever stove

Domestic powers, recharge!

mmm tasty Asian staple (the rice not Julian wtf)

Teriyaki salmon and fish fingers

Julia's first fish finger experience.

oiling sheet with sesame oil

spreading rice

Happy Ahnaf makes good sushi.

cut

finished product.

siu mai sushi by Julian

breather.

2011-03-13T05:12:00.000-07:00

One ~~yellow~~ 'gold star' carnation and 4 essays and wrinkled sub fusc are not necessarily the best way to start a Saturday morning, but now that the exam is over and done with - here I find myself, at the end of Hilary, two thirds of the way through my second year all too quickly.

Hilary has been a long term, filled with lots of double deadlines and more lab hours than recommended, some very long nights and a lot of skipped lectures. Today it comes to a close, but there is so much to be done over this Easter break that I really don't know where to start. But before I let the momentum pick up and sweep me away again with the tide, here are some happy pictures from after my exam from wandering around Magdalen College. I got my first congratulatory helium-filled balloon from someone who tried to surprise me but didn't pull it off too well - thank you so so much nevertheless. :)

for itself

2011-03-11T13:16:00.000-08:00

"Writing down your thoughts is both necessary and harmful. It leads to eccentricity, narcissism, preserves what should be let go. On the other hand, these notes intensify the inner life, which, left unexpressed, slips through your fingers. If only I could find a better kind of journal, humbler, one that would preserve the same thoughts, the same flesh of life, which is worth saving."

-Anna Kamienska, In That Great River: A Notebook

flat tyre.

2011-03-10T11:13:00.000-08:00

I've reached a point in term where handing in what I know to be a shit job on a piece of work doesn't faze me - I just want everything done and over with and to not have to give a shit about this deadline and that. Barely breathing doesn't cut it - I've been running on with expired breath and I think it shows all too clearly from the slivers of exhaustion turning into outright cracks in my system. If I were a unimolecular thingamabob I'd have put myself under so much pressure that there'd be four of me by now, one of which would probably have self-combusted and the survivors wouldn't be in the best of shape either.

I have approximately 1 and a half days left to give a proper damn before I can phase out all this shit. Till then, FML!

EDIT: Labs finished for the year. Final-fucking-ly.

where k is a constant

2011-03-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

It's a strange thing - I remember a time when change was everything I yearned for and dreamed about. A new place to be, unfamiliar faces, unknown factors and variables. These days, I want familiarity to fall back on more than anything. Not the rigid routine of tute sheets and lab reports and endless cycling back and forth, but calming constants - things like sunny Sundays and peaceful reflective church services and swimming 80 laps a session and Skype calls home and weekly dinner&dessert with you. I don't think of x and y with the same excitement I once did (though admittedly they are pretty damn interesting sometimes), but some days they really are just things to plug into the equations I've used before - not really anything new.

Jeez I must be getting old.

status.

2011-02-28T04:35:00.000-08:00

"Still alive but I'm barely breathing."

- Break Even, The Script

Status to hold true till end of 8th week.

happy healthy lucky 20!

2011-02-24T11:52:00.000-08:00

Best. Birthday. Lunch. Ever.

fresh ingredients

cooking in progress

careful handiwork

smiling rice for a good year ahead

surprise birthday cake that I ruined for myself because I got fed up with waiting

so many candles O.O

courtesy of the super amazing Julia Lee! :)

hello, hell week(s)

2011-02-22T18:02:00.000-08:00

3 weeks till the end of term, and a helluva lot of work in store. BRING IT, BITCH.

In the mean time, a couple more photos from my birthday weekend. I was down with a cold and cough, but had a lazy lie-in followed by an amazing lunch of omu rice cooked by the equally amazing Julia and a cake (I couldn't blow out all 20 candles in one breath because I was ill - getting old much!) and a super useful pasta baking dish (practical gifts FTW!) and then emceed Malaysian Night at the First Floor with Julian, which was a lot of fun with a lot of good food. Daniel came over from Cardiff as well - scared the poor thing with the work I had to do the next day, but ah well he might as well see what university life is really like some time soon.

And so we part till the 3 weeks have passed.

roses from Kar Mun :)

trying to stay awake - age is a devious thing!

revenge on Ahnaf for being so damn skinny

Kafka from Julian :)

things to keep me smiling over the next 3 weeks

age

2011-02-20T15:03:00.000-08:00

turned 20 this weekend - more pictures to follow later. Philosophy essay to crack on with first.

But definitely one of the best birthdays thus far, in spite of my cold and cough. :) thank you to everyone who made it special, you all are all kinds of wonderful.